How long will this loneliness last? It feels so painful at times….
I know it is a matter of time and adjustment but it is so hard at times to be patient.
Am I doomed to always feel this way? Feeling overwhelmed with adjustment, then adjusting to finally being bored, wanting something new, getting it and moving on, and the cycle starts again. I guess the only other time it happened before was when I left France in 1998 for love and stayed in Seattle even after my marriage collapsed. I tried for several years to make it work on a personal and professional level. After a while, after many attempts of feeling not fulfilled I decided to take a leap of faith and shifted my life journey for a new start. I left a place where I was settled and tried the adventure of a PhD program in a new country. Was it a crazy idea? Will I be able to succeed? Gosh! I feels like it will be too much to overcome on my own… I guess it’s only now that I understand why so many people said how courageous I was…
Is it because it’s winter? Is it a mix of my living and seasonal conditions along with the acculturation process that make me feel this way? I miss seeing people on a daily basis. I miss being a social worker, a therapist, having an active life. I miss organizing parties at my old apartments and act goofy with my friends ...
There are so many new things to figure out when you are a foreigner before life feels finally stable again. I know I cannot figure out everything at once. I know I can’t get to know a new city, be comfortable as a PhD student, build a new social network, make a descent living and deal with the in between cultures and languages in 5 months. I know I can’t but I so would love too!
I know how privileged I am and that I should not complain. I am white, well educated, bilingual, I have more chances than most to make it work despite the immigration process. I feel ashamed to even feel this way but the feeling are real and overwhelming …
I guess, I’m simply feeling depressed and it will finally go away soon…. Hopefully, in a few months I will be laughing at what I just wrote and will no longer want to run back to Seattle …
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4 comments:
Hang in there, doll. And don't underestimate the power of winter to color our feelings... I know plenty of folks who feel their weakest when the days are shorter and the skies darker.
Things have been way busy this year over here, but we can all make better efforts to stay in touch. I know I will.
Hey Kido,
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one."
Hang in there, brighter days are ahead. Promise.
Baci
lb
Hey Carole,
I don't know you, but believe me, I can surely empathize with what you're going through. Here's to coming out the other side!
Best,
Ned
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