Montreal sous la neige/Snowing in Montreal

Finally, it's snowing in Montreal! I'm glad I was able to get on time what I needed for the cold weather!

Nothing too exciting in the last month since my last posting: working, studying, hanging out with the new friends I made here. The one big thing was this workshop I attended last week that was quite a fascinating experience. It was on cultural psychotherapy and it is called psychohistorigraphy. The theme was on reasonable accomodations, which has been a very delicate/hot topic here in Québec because of the large amount of immigrants that need to be accomodated due to their cultural and religious background. It was a 2 day intense human experience with a group of 36 people where we expresssed our feelings, thoughts, experience into songs, poem, playback and scenette. Then, few days later we had a performance followed by a discussion with the audience, which was quite heated because the white québéquois did not feel represented in our performance. Through this workshop, where I did not know anybody when I first joined, I have met wonderful people and especially made some connection with folks who work for the department of transcultural psychiatry, which is one of the main reasons I moved to Montreal.

One more month before the end of the quarter, which means lots of studying of course and wrapping up my first quarter as a student again! Then, I fly to Paris where I will spend the hollidays and visit my family, French friends as well as some American friends who will be de passage in Paris as well. I' m looking forward to have a break and hang out with people I know well. I guess I need to be surrounded with people I know well to have that home feeling .... I guess I need a break from newness for a little while... ;)

Human connections and more acculturation ...

Last week and this weekend, I had the chance to catch up with some friends (Walter, Sylvio, Diane, Clay and Chris) back in Seattle and it was great to reconnect with them! I love having those deep conversations with you guys (Chris and Clay) !


I also had the chance to talk with the person who has been my mentor the longest in Seattle. As usual his advices and wisdom have really helped me to see more clearly and feeling better about what direction to take (transferring or not to a different University) as well as prioritizing my studies. He is the reason why I got a master in social work when I first arrived in Seattle in 98. He has been my boss, professor and mentor since 1998 and has been and continues to be an amazing support in my professional and academic life. His encouragements helped me to have faith in applying to a PhD program. I feel grateful to have such a wonderful connection with him! Thank you Jon!!


This shift in my life, doing a PhD in Montreal, is huge and sometimes I have this brief realization of how overwhelming it is ... I can only let myself be in that state for a brief moment otherwise sadness and anxiety may paralyze me and I could not accomplish the demands of my life as a student. It's hard to not feel overwhelmed and anxious when everything is so new, uncertain and when the ones who know you the best and believe in you are so far away. I guess it has been exactly 2 months since I arrived in Montreal and I'm hitting another phase of my acculturation process .... It will pass and I'll find the strength to move forward with a positive and strong attitude.

First outing outside Montreal!

Last Sunday was my first escapade outside Montreal! It was great to leave the big city and discover the country side. I went with Isabelle and her sister Marie-Odile to St. Sauveur to discover the colors of fall in Quebec. Isabelle as a "décapotable", it was great to admire the sceenery without a roof above our head.











I've met Isabelle in New York, 10 years ago, through my very good friend, Karine. She has a wonderful spirit and I truly enjoy hanging out with her.




The little church in St. Sauveur/L'église de Saint Sauveur with a beautiful blue sky. Very cute village but a bit too snobby.

Shake Hands With The Devil

Few days ago, I watched the movie and my reactions were, as expected, very strong.

Here is a summary of the movie for those who haven't seen it. I highly recommended it!

At the bottom of the page, I added, in French, how I felt about it. (It's a good sign, I'm embracing my mother tongue again! ;))

SHAKE HANDS WITH THE DEVIL
The Journey of Roméo Dallaire

In 100 days - between April 6 and July 16, 1994 - an estimated 800,000 men, women and children were brutally killed in the obscure African country of Rwanda. The victims - many horrifically hacked to death with machetes - were Tutsi, and moderate Hutus who supported them.

One man was tasked by the United Nations with ensuring that peace was maintained in Rwanda - Canadian Lieutenant General Roméo Dallaire. But unsupported by U.N. headquarters and its Security Council far away in New York, Dallaire and his handful of soldiers were incapable of stopping the genocide.

After ten years of mental torture, reliving the horrors daily and more than once attempting suicide, Roméo Dallaire has poured out his soul in an extraordinary book. Shake Hands With The Devil is a cri de coeur. The General pulls no punches in his condemnation of top UN officials, expedient Belgian policy makers and senior members of the Clinton administration who chose to do nothing as Dallaire pleaded for reinforcements and revised rules of engagement.

Dallaire is convinced that, with a few thousand more troops and a mandate to act pre-emptively, he could have stopped the killings. His impotence, at a time of extreme crisis, preys on his conscience still.

The experienced Canadian documentary production company, White Pine Pictures, secured the documentary rights to General Dallaire’s book and exclusive access to follow him during his first return trip to Rwanda, in April 2004 - the 10th anniversary of the genocide. We were there as he revisited the killing fields that haunt him.

Shake Hands With The Devil is the most powerful documentary produced about the Rwandan genocide. Unflinching. Gut-wrenching. Challenging. Hard-hitting. This is appointment television for viewers throughout the world who care about human rights and international justice.

http://www.whitepinepictures.com/dallairesite/


Une injustice sans nom ...

Indignation de ce que l’être humain est capable de faire à des fins politiques et économiques.

La valeur de l’autre s’en trouve annihilé, plus rien ne devient important, même pas la vie de milliers d’êtres humains. Le prix d’une vie, de centaines ou de milliers de personnes ne compte pas.

Comment garder la foi en nos gouvernements, en la nature humaine lorsque l’horreur aurait pu être arrêtée !

Qui peut-on croire, à qui peut-on faire confiance lorsque, trop souvent, l’être humain n’est motivé que par le pouvoir, l ‘argent et le contrôle.

De nature innocente, confiante et optimiste envers l‘autre ou la relation égalitaire, de partage et d’entraide prévaut, qu’elle est donc ma place dans ce monde aussi hostile et lointain de mes valeurs ?

Abomination et indignation envers cette soif de pouvoir qui a perpétrée la trahison, l’abandon, et contribué au génocide…

Cultural differences ....

This week I have been wondering a lot about cultural differences between the American and the French. There are obviously major differences but sometimes there are not that easy to define and pinpoint. Some of the most important differences are in regards to the way people relate to one another, demonstrate their attachment to others and are present for the ones they care and love. Both societies are marked by individualism but it appears that the level of reciprocity is defined and perceived differently in both cultures. As usual, it is difficult to make any generalizations but it is an overall feeling deeply felt, which has caused me interrogation, frustration, disappointment and sadness. Based on my experience and the conversations I have had with other French we agree that generally generosity and reciprocity is a behavior that is more natural and not as calculated within the French culture. Also, it appears that we are more foreword and honest in verbalizing our feelings. I am sure that there are many more differences but I'll stop the list for now. Some of you, whoever will be reading this post, may say "Carole why don't you go back to France then!" Well, it's not as easy as it seems. I am now in a position de "l'entre deux" (in between cultures) and unfortunately I don't feel like I would feel comfortable again in the French culture. I have learned so much about life and myself during my time in the US and will continue here in Canada. It has been a rich experience but at times my expectations about human connection has not met the vision I would have hoped for. It is simply a sad and harsh reality to realize and it will force me to readjust my expectations. Or maybe I'm simply too sensitive and idealist .....

Catching up on the last 2 weeks!

School:
School has been kicking my ass! At first I thought my French was rusty and it was the reason why I did not understand the different readings. In reality, it's more about the complexity of the content since I'm not the only French speaking student who does not understand it! My knowledge in philosophy is pretty poor and I'm learning about phenomenology, hermeneutic etc..

As weird as it can seem for some people, I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the University of Montreal which is similar to the French system. Since my program is a joint one, I'm able to compare some of the differences between the two schools. So far, I'm not very impressed with the University of Montreal and I am considering transferring to McGill next year. The Anglo-Saxon system is more structured and supportive, which definitely suits me much better.
I know I just started school 2 weeks ago and I'm already starting to complain! But when it's about your $$ and your time you want the best conditions to achieve your goals!

Work:
I finally found out how much I am making for my research assistant position and oh my gosh I feel so poor again! I have not been paid at that rate for maybe 20 years! I feel like going back in time! Not a good feeling! Potatoes and pasta for lunch and dinner!

























Life in Montreal:
Fall is here! It's still pretty warm but the trees are starting to change colors!

The city is beautiful! It's so ethnically diverse and vibrant! I'm getting to know more people which of course feels great! I love speaking both languages depending on who I talk to or which neighborhood I'm in. I started a kick boxing class that I really enjoy! I need to get some physical activity with all that cerebral masturbation!






Yesterday I watched my first dragon boat competition and it was so much fun! I'm thinking of joining a team next spring!









Romance:
Well, I should be open to meet someone again in few months once I'm a bit more adjusted to this new beginning!

First day of school...

School finally started on Monday! My first class is on Development of social work theory and perspectives and the second one is on Analysis of qualitative research data. There are both in French, which I know sounds weird but it is still an adjustment for me. My Monday class is my PhD class and there are only 4 students, since they only accepted 4 this year (I feel quite privileged and keep thinking that they may have made a mistake ;)). So we are four women. One is originally from Lebanon and has been here for 12 years. The two others are white originally from Quebec. All of them have stable jobs. When the professor introduced her class I felt so out of place because I did not know what the hell she was talking about! Quickly I was overwhelmed by a tremendous feeling of feeling lost as well as a great sense of loss. I felt like running away to go back to Seattle! Everything appeared so new at all levels and I felt like I could not do it all on my own! It felt like it was too much at once: being in a new city, starting a PhD, not having a support system and being unable to articulate myself correctly in French. Talking to Leslie last night, my one friend in Montreal, helped tremendously and reminded me that what I am experiencing is normal and expected. Thank goodness today was definitely a better day than yesterday. I feel much stronger and ready to take on the challenge to finish my thesis in 3 years, even if my fellow PhD students who are in their 3rd or 4th year think it's a fantasy!!

Keeping up our dreams....

Always Create Your Own Dreams
and Live Life to the Fullest

Dreams can come true
if you take the time to
think about what you want in life
Get to know yourself
Find out who you are
Choose your goals carefully
Be honest with yourself
Always believe in yourself
Find many interests and pursue them
Find out what is important to you
Find out what you are good at
Don't be afraid to make mistakes
Work hard to achieve successes
When things are not going right
don't give up - just try harder
Give yourself freedom to try out new things
Laugh and have a good time
Open yourself up to love
Take part in the beauty of nature
Be appreciative of all that you have
Help those less fortunate than you
Work towards peace in the world
Live life to the fullest
Create your own dreams and
follow them until they are a reality

-Poem by Susan Polis Schutz

Left to tell

Today I spent the day reading "Left To Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust". This book is the most powerful book I ever read. I could not put it down, it was so captivating and moving. As some of you may already know my thesis topic is on "Rwanda: Construction of Meaning and Resilience Factors amongst its Survivors". This book definitely helped me to dive into the core of my topic.

Summary of the book from http://www.lefttotell.com/book/index.php
Immaculée shares her miraculous story of how she survived during the Rwanda genocide in 1994 when she and seven other women huddled silently together in the cramped bathroom of a local pastor’s house for 91 days! In this captivating and inspiring book, Immaculée shows us how to embrace the power of prayer, forge a profound and lasting relationship with God, and discover the importance of forgiveness and the meaning of truly unconditional love and understanding—through our darkest hours.

After being disconnected from my topic since I finished writing my thesis proposal back in January, this book allowed me to be in touch again with this poignant subject. I feel more than ever inspired and compelled to start this awaiting journey.

A tremendous THANK YOU to Salomé who gave me this book as a going away present.

What am I doing?

Today I met with my PhD advisor and I started having some doubts about the choice I made to go for a PhD... I felt overwhelmed with the amount of work that is waiting for me!


I questioned myself if I will be indeed able to write a dissertation! It feels daunting, overwhelming, scary etc...!



Many doubts, fears, questions and after a while I realized once more that I made the right choice. I could not have continued doing what I was doing in Seattle. Nothing was no longer holding me back in Seattle including no long term significant other. Therefore, it was the perfect time to finally make the jump and try a new adventure to feel inspired again, focus on the work that has always passionated me and contribute to a field of research that is so essential to me, which is ethnopsychiatry and more specifically mental health and refugee. It seems that I may need to have a pretty ascetic life for a while, a long time, until my PhD is over.... 3 years more ...? Gosh I hope not ;( It feels like life will only be about reading, writing, reading, writing... What about the rest? Like meeting the right dude? ... Life will tell as it unfolds page after page, chapter after chapter like this new one that just started ....

Downtown Montreal

I still have so much to discover but so far downtown Montreal is pretty cool! The population is ethnically and culturally very diverse. The architecture is very nice. It feels like home again with the old architecture, the narrow streets in old Montreal and of course the French language. It is definitely a mix of my two homes, France and Seattle. It's a wonderful feeling to have those two worlds in one!

Here are few pics of downtown Montreal:

Beautiful picture, heh? But unfortunately I did not take it ;)

Here is Chinatown where I tried to find some cheap things for the house to buy. I was not too successful but got some yummy jasmine tea.


I love the contrast between the old and new architecture!



A Nôtre Dame church.

Views of Montreal

I am there, that's right!! Picture taken on top of what the Quebecois call the "Mountain", le Mont Royal.

Leslie and her mom, two terrific ladies! Leslie's hospitality has been wonderful and made a world of a difference in being a new comer in the city. Getting to know her has been a delight! Thanks so much Andrea!!

Part of downtown Montreal behind the trees ;)

The background of the picture is the US, Vermont state.

Back to school... weird....!!

McGill University
University of Montreal

My PhD program is a joint program with those two Universities, therefore I will be taking classes on both campuses.

Such a weird feeling to going back to school. Looking at the other students on campus I feel so much older, and I am indeed! It crossed my mind if I had made the right choice but quickly I realized that yes I did. My professional life was no longer stimulating enough for me and I needed a major shift to be inspired again. I think what I’m experiencing is feeling out of marks at all levels, which gives me a sense of vulnerability and uncertainty.

Yesterday, I met for a long time with my thesis advisor and she offered me a job starting next week. I'll be working for her research team that focuses on mental health and culture. At first, it seems that the job will be more administrative than research focused but I feel grateful and very excited to have a job! My advisor seems very nice and willing to assist me in any way she can, which is a wonderful feeling as a new student and new comer in Montreal. We discussed the language in which I will write my thesis in. I was surprised to witness the intense emotional reaction I had about the possibility of writing in French. It seems that I have a very difficult time to let go of my "English life". I was determined to write in English for publication purposes but also in case I would return to the states. As she advised me if I end up staying here it would be preferable to write in French. She also mentioned that this time would be maybe the last opportunity to reconnect to such extent with my mother tongue and practise again writing in French. I have some time to decide so there is no urgency. Hopefully, taking few classes in both languages will help me in a few months make up my mind.

Starting from scratch again...

Between Craigslist, shopping at Value Village, Wall-Mart (I know it's evil but this is the closest big cheap store I have access to without a car) and people giving me stuff I was finally able to furnish my new home. It’s a weird feeling to have sold or given away most of my belongings I accumulated over the last 9 years and starting from scratch again looking for bargains and used items to save as much as possible. That’s definitely not how I imagined my life at 37 years old but it is a temporary stage and it’s a great reminder of how futile materialism is.

It's all good, my space is coming together and it's starting to feel like home.

I have a home!

Today was a big day! I finally received my 9 boxes from my UPS shipment with all my personal belongings! I must say that it was quite an ordeal to get to the UPS warehouse and clear them from customs. I'm learning how to get by without a car and when some locations are without good public transportation you have to rely on taxis, which cost beaucoup dinero ;( Anyway, now things have been taking care of and my place feels more like home. I still need an internet connection, some shelves, lamps and dishes and I'm ready to host! :)

I live few meters away from a very convenient metro station with lots of shops around. The place is becoming more cosy everyday. I haven't moved in yet but will next week.

I wonder who will be the first person to visit?....

Le Vieux Montreal/The Old Montreal

First week in Montreal

8/15
After spending 9 years in Seattle, another chapter of my life ended on Sunday August 12th when I took off to move to Montreal. So much has happened in those nine years, so much learning experiences on both a personal and professional level. Leaving Seattle was difficult but also filled with hopes to experience new fulfilling opportunities. A major shift needed to happen to shake things up and have new horizons opening up to feel more vibrant, intellectually challenged and stimulated. I left with no regret, after going through so many life lessons... A new door opened up in Montreal where it feels like a bridge between the US and France. I leave behind a wonderful support system and I know that I can always come back to Seattle, which definitely feels like home. Ironically, couple weeks before leaving I became closer to someone I’ve known for years. Only time will tell what will happen to the connection we created.

The person I’m staying with, Leslie, is wonderful! It makes a huge difference to stay with someone with whom I feel so comfortable and welcome.

Yesterday was a very exiting day when I found out that across from where I’m staying someone was looking for a roommate. It was the perfect situation. Today, I found out that actually it might not happen which really bumped me out. It is so difficult to find a place to leave when you don’t know the city, don’t have a car and feel like you need to have your own place before school starts. I guess I need to have faith that things will unfold the way they should and stressing out won’t change the course of anything.

8/16
Today I spent many hours on line looking for a place to rent. I went to look at a room to share with a guy and for sure I won’t pursue that type of arrangement again. Nice guy but it just did not feel right. Instead of spending my time discovering the city I’ve been looking for a room to share, finding the right cell phone plan, and finding a bank. All are very important things but I need to prioritize since not everything can be done at once and it’s essential to get familiar with the city. However, I’ve been feeling quite exhausted with a very low energy level. Hopefully, I’ll get some energy back in a few days and explore like a typical tourist. I’ve also spent a lot of time on the phone today since I was finally able to transfer my onesuite long distance phone plan to Canada. It was great to talk to several friends. Finding out that one of them is getting married next summer. It’s the third couple that is close to me that announced getting married next summer. I just hope they all do it in the same month so I can come once for all of them! ;) Guys please choose July ;) It’s great that some folks have a good enough relationship to get married. What the heck! Gotta try to find out. If it works great if it doesn’t well that’s how it goes. Done it once already and I have no regret.

8/17
Went finally for the first time to visit the vieux Montreal that was very nice. It looks like Europe. It definitely feels like I’m in a place with both cultural influences and everything is written in French and English. It’s a pretty cool feeling. I finally got the response that the apartment to share did not work out. I have to keep looking and hopefully find something as nice or better. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and stressed. My boxes are coming and without a car and not knowing any guys to help out it’s going to be quite a challenge. Some how I’ll put if off. I miss being able to know where I’m at, how to do things, know who to contact for help, have your own place to go back to etc.. Anyhow it’s part of the journey and it will take a while to get adjusted to it all.

8/18
Today I looked at more places for rent. Nothing too exciting. Will look at more tomorrow so hopefully that will be it! I can’t wait to have my own place but again it’s nice to live with Leslie.

8/19
Well, it’s seems that I finally found a place to live! It’s in a basement but it’s cheap, cosy, spacious, close to the metro and the landlords are super nice! So it’s going to be a great place to be! They offered to lend me a bunch of furniture they don’t use so it’s just a wonderful match! The woman is a school counselor and enjoys working with refugees. She really liked me right away and so did I. I should be able to start bringing things in on August 27th. Now I can focus on the rest, getting things all set up with school and start looking for a job.

8/21
Today, it got confirmed that I have my basement apartment for $500/month including heat and electricity!! I also opened a bank account and met with my thesis advisor! A very constructive day! Things are moving along nicely!! Next week, will take care of looking for a job and moving in, gotta stay focus! :)

Going Away/Birthday Party

Olayia and John organized a wonderful going away/birthday party. It was wonderful to have so many of my dear Seattle friends gathered. It was quite an emotional time so I had to let go by spraying as many of you with champagne ;) It was lots of fun! :) Thank you for coming and giving me wonderful memories of this important chapter of my life.

More pictures:

http://www.conradchavez.com/gallery/3300504